Recently, I've been thinking: It has been one year since I met J. How time flies. I clearly remember the other day when I was sitting in the lab at school and realizing that it has been one year, out of nowhere, I burst into tears. It is about the time last year that we began to date.

Back to those days when I carefully marked the dates on my calendar, things were simply beautiful and I was simply happy. I guess I felt blessed then, but didn't realize that something simply beautiful can be dangerously destructive too. But sometimes, when I look back at this relationship with J, I also feel amazed how I, with a little hesitant and a little holding back in the beginning, can fall so much for him in the end. I can't deny the fact that as time went by he grew on me. It started with the little spark because of "UVa", to every pick up ride or back ride he offered, every hands holding in the car when he was driving, every squeezing hug in this big and solid shoulder, to the way he teased my small mistakes in English, and the beliefs and commons we shared in many ways. Life can surprise you many times. Back to Dec 2007, when I first met him on a chilly winter day in Dorchester, I reached out my hands to shake with his, with no idea that this 6'2" man in front of me was from the place I had so much mixed feeling with, would walk into my life in a big way months after, and made me take a risk to fall in love with. At that time, I also had no idea to expect that how a seemingly promising relationship could go so wrong in the end. One year after, it took me quite a time to figure out why.

I didn't quite think things would change much with J's moving out of town. Although I did have doubts and we had disagreement here and there, the disagreements were minor compared to what we shared in common. Apparently, I was wrong. However, I believe things were not that simple. The "not that simple" made me can't convince myself with his lame explanation. It's the reasons for those widely awake nights and tears on the pillow. For quite a long time, I began to doubt his feeling to me from day one, the things we shared, and his truthfulness. Why I thought this way wasn't from nowhere because I couldn't understand how things can be so different in such a short time. The fact that it happened right at a time when I needed his support the most only made things worse. I wish I could believe it is just what happened when a relationship became long distance and things became sour. But I couldn't.

It did take me a lot of courage to meet J again when he's back to town, almost half a year after. With a broken heart, still. But it is not until I met him again did I suddenly somehow realize that some people were not meant to belong to each other, and it's not the fault of either person. People come into your life and people go, just like the nature of life. But the commons we shared, the memories we had, and the fact we once made each other's life better than it was are real. With realizing that, the "not that simple" for the first time doesn't haunt me any more.

Many times, I couldn't help wonder how has this relationship changed me from the person before I met him? Am I getting better or happier? I couldn't really say so. But one thing is for sure what didn't kill me just make me stronger. Besides, what I've experienced in the past half a year--the sleepless nights, days swallowed with tears, and the vague belief that I should fight for what I need to hold, have made me grow so much as a person. This is actually what life is all about.

I am not a person good at erasing the past totally from my life, and I still have the calendar with the dates marks. But this time, it doesn't bother me anymore.