Today, I called him wishing him a happy birthday. I have to admit that I struggled a little bit whether I should call or not. I want to call because he is still somehow a special person for me. I want wish him happy on his day. I also couldn't accept the feeling of "we are totally none of each other's business" if I not call. I hesitate to call since I want to convince myself that I don't care anymore. I want myself to know that I don't have my emotion attached on this kind of stuff. I can live my life happily, alone. Don 't even bother wishing my ex a happy birthday. But it turned out prove that I am a very sensual person. I dialed the number. I thought to myself: if we did share some memories together, bitter or sweet, I should give this a person a call. Although I don't quite prefer to get in touched, I can't wrap up myself with the idea to delete this person totally from my life either. After all, we had something special before.

So we talked. He is back to Leesburg from UNC, where he will go to in the fall. That's the place offered me a place 2 years ago but I didn't eventually go. I feel happy for him. Everything turns out so well except us. Last summer, he left Boston with his "big decision" with no idea what that would bring to his life. But everything turned out to be the way we expected it to except us. The "Obama", the "big win for school", a better place than Baltimore.  I get a dream offer. But, we are not together anymore. Sometimes, I was wondering, if things didn't turn out to the the way we want, why God let them happen. I would feel way much better than I am if I hadn't met him. We are like two lines, come cross each other at one point, and then departure to separate ways.

So, today I spend another productive day at library with my 10 pounds tax book and Starbucks iced vanilla. This is usually my typical day like for the finals. I am not a "7:00 o'clock every day" person, so I have to use some way to discipline myself, at least in the last minutes. The library is always a big help.

Anyway, when I headed back home from school in the night, I smelled a light scent in the air. The one that relates to the summer night, especially at the suburb area. It is not the smell of blossomy flower, or freshly grown grass, it is the smell of skunk. Yes, the smell that we believe from the skunk killed on the road. In a city like Boston, where its buildings are more than its trees, the smell is not as strong as somewhere like Virginia. Still, you can somehow smell it. Light, oily, and a little sweet and warm maybe.

Some people label themselves as "visual", most men, for example. For me, I have to fall into the category as "olfactory". There are always certain scents have the magic to transport me to certain time in my past. The smell can bring memories coming back. I don't find the smell of skunk distracting. This is not to say I love that smell and want it everywhere. But it is the smell that I relate to summer, the summer in the States. It reminds me the summer days I spend down at the south, the days I wear flip flop walking on Rugby. Other smell like hand cream with tuberose fragrance reminds me the days back to junior high. The hot chocolate reminds me mom's hug when I got home in a chilly winter day. The "Clinique happy" reminds me one of my dating life.

With the smell in the air, you can feel the season clicks. Summer of Boston is around the corner.

Precious and lovely.

Recently, I've been thinking: It has been one year since I met J. How time flies. I clearly remember the other day when I was sitting in the lab at school and realizing that it has been one year, out of nowhere, I burst into tears. It is about the time last year that we began to date.

Back to those days when I carefully marked the dates on my calendar, things were simply beautiful and I was simply happy. I guess I felt blessed then, but didn't realize that something simply beautiful can be dangerously destructive too. But sometimes, when I look back at this relationship with J, I also feel amazed how I, with a little hesitant and a little holding back in the beginning, can fall so much for him in the end. I can't deny the fact that as time went by he grew on me. It started with the little spark because of "UVa", to every pick up ride or back ride he offered, every hands holding in the car when he was driving, every squeezing hug in this big and solid shoulder, to the way he teased my small mistakes in English, and the beliefs and commons we shared in many ways. Life can surprise you many times. Back to Dec 2007, when I first met him on a chilly winter day in Dorchester, I reached out my hands to shake with his, with no idea that this 6'2" man in front of me was from the place I had so much mixed feeling with, would walk into my life in a big way months after, and made me take a risk to fall in love with. At that time, I also had no idea to expect that how a seemingly promising relationship could go so wrong in the end. One year after, it took me quite a time to figure out why.

I didn't quite think things would change much with J's moving out of town. Although I did have doubts and we had disagreement here and there, the disagreements were minor compared to what we shared in common. Apparently, I was wrong. However, I believe things were not that simple. The "not that simple" made me can't convince myself with his lame explanation. It's the reasons for those widely awake nights and tears on the pillow. For quite a long time, I began to doubt his feeling to me from day one, the things we shared, and his truthfulness. Why I thought this way wasn't from nowhere because I couldn't understand how things can be so different in such a short time. The fact that it happened right at a time when I needed his support the most only made things worse. I wish I could believe it is just what happened when a relationship became long distance and things became sour. But I couldn't.

It did take me a lot of courage to meet J again when he's back to town, almost half a year after. With a broken heart, still. But it is not until I met him again did I suddenly somehow realize that some people were not meant to belong to each other, and it's not the fault of either person. People come into your life and people go, just like the nature of life. But the commons we shared, the memories we had, and the fact we once made each other's life better than it was are real. With realizing that, the "not that simple" for the first time doesn't haunt me any more.

Many times, I couldn't help wonder how has this relationship changed me from the person before I met him? Am I getting better or happier? I couldn't really say so. But one thing is for sure what didn't kill me just make me stronger. Besides, what I've experienced in the past half a year--the sleepless nights, days swallowed with tears, and the vague belief that I should fight for what I need to hold, have made me grow so much as a person. This is actually what life is all about.

I am not a person good at erasing the past totally from my life, and I still have the calendar with the dates marks. But this time, it doesn't bother me anymore.

5.1号偶们学校就开始放长达四个月的资本主义漫长长假了。全美最早放假的学校。哦也！！！

When the chilly wind blew on my face today, I realized that there is such a long winter here.. Spring, still far away..

一直喜欢美国freeway的感觉

一直是坐在别人的车里

在佛州, 在波士顿

副驾驶的位置

我想

有那么一天

在美国有一辆车

周末就行驶在美国的freeway上

绿野山间

可以没有任何目的

耳边是电台里的流行音乐

随意的放着

一切烦恼

都在脑后

tax做的太无趣了。半小时交卷。这哪是大雪，简直就是暴风雪。我这辈子没见过这么大的雪。人生真圆满。偶实在按捺不住内心的激动，想出门感受一下。不知道还有地铁没。今天登飞机的某alice同学可以竞选料事如神了。。（套用某同学的话）放假了。哦也！！

话说大雪封山。我们可爱的安吉力尼教授意识到让大家周五跑来考试似乎对有些人来说是个问题。于是，偶们伟大的联邦税法考试被改为take home，email传来做完再传回去。其实take-home一向不是我们美北学校的风格。于是偶就捧着电脑，坐以待考！

学校说下午要下大雪，于是就把学校关了。考试全推到明天。在美国，老天爷就是老大。真泄气，我都准备端着刀上场把tax给杀了。这下倒好，提前放假吧。

俺现在一顿的饭量如下：一大碗米，两个土豆，四分之一青椒，两个鸡蛋，四到五块香菇红烧排骨，六只虾。 吃成这样还是巨饿无比。lin说我这营养也太均衡了。恩。是有点太均衡了。

看来我真是高估了波士顿的冷。连dc和c'ville都下雪了。还是无比大。真是让我无比失望。