life for rent

Today, I called him wishing him a happy birthday. I have to admit that I struggled a little bit whether I should call or not. I want to call because he is still somehow a special person for me. I want wish him happy on his day. I also couldn't accept the feeling of "we are totally none of each other's business" if I not call. I hesitate to call since I want to convince myself that I don't care anymore. I want myself to know that I don't have my emotion attached on this kind of stuff. I can live my life happily, alone. Don 't even bother wishing my ex a happy birthday. But it turned out prove that I am a very sensual person. I dialed the number. I thought to myself: if we did share some memories together, bitter or sweet, I should give this a person a call. Although I don't quite prefer to get in touched, I can't wrap up myself with the idea to delete this person totally from my life either. After all, we had something special before.

So we talked. He is back to Leesburg from UNC, where he will go to in the fall. That's the place offered me a place 2 years ago but I didn't eventually go. I feel happy for him. Everything turns out so well except us. Last summer, he left Boston with his "big decision" with no idea what that would bring to his life. But everything turned out to be the way we expected it to except us. The "Obama", the "big win for school", a better place than Baltimore.  I get a dream offer. But, we are not together anymore. Sometimes, I was wondering, if things didn't turn out to the the way we want, why God let them happen. I would feel way much better than I am if I hadn't met him. We are like two lines, come cross each other at one point, and then departure to separate ways.

So, today I spend another productive day at library with my 10 pounds tax book and Starbucks iced vanilla. This is usually my typical day like for the finals. I am not a "7:00 o'clock every day" person, so I have to use some way to discipline myself, at least in the last minutes. The library is always a big help.

Anyway, when I headed back home from school in the night, I smelled a light scent in the air. The one that relates to the summer night, especially at the suburb area. It is not the smell of blossomy flower, or freshly grown grass, it is the smell of skunk. Yes, the smell that we believe from the skunk killed on the road. In a city like Boston, where its buildings are more than its trees, the smell is not as strong as somewhere like Virginia. Still, you can somehow smell it. Light, oily, and a little sweet and warm maybe.

Some people label themselves as "visual", most men, for example. For me, I have to fall into the category as "olfactory". There are always certain scents have the magic to transport me to certain time in my past. The smell can bring memories coming back. I don't find the smell of skunk distracting. This is not to say I love that smell and want it everywhere. But it is the smell that I relate to summer, the summer in the States. It reminds me the summer days I spend down at the south, the days I wear flip flop walking on Rugby. Other smell like hand cream with tuberose fragrance reminds me the days back to junior high. The hot chocolate reminds me mom's hug when I got home in a chilly winter day. The "Clinique happy" reminds me one of my dating life.

With the smell in the air, you can feel the season clicks. Summer of Boston is around the corner.

Precious and lovely.

Recently, I've been thinking: It has been one year since I met J. How time flies. I clearly remember the other day when I was sitting in the lab at school and realizing that it has been one year, out of nowhere, I burst into tears. It is about the time last year that we began to date.

Back to those days when I carefully marked the dates on my calendar, things were simply beautiful and I was simply happy. I guess I felt blessed then, but didn't realize that something simply beautiful can be dangerously destructive too. But sometimes, when I look back at this relationship with J, I also feel amazed how I, with a little hesitant and a little holding back in the beginning, can fall so much for him in the end. I can't deny the fact that as time went by he grew on me. It started with the little spark because of "UVa", to every pick up ride or back ride he offered, every hands holding in the car when he was driving, every squeezing hug in this big and solid shoulder, to the way he teased my small mistakes in English, and the beliefs and commons we shared in many ways. Life can surprise you many times. Back to Dec 2007, when I first met him on a chilly winter day in Dorchester, I reached out my hands to shake with his, with no idea that this 6'2" man in front of me was from the place I had so much mixed feeling with, would walk into my life in a big way months after, and made me take a risk to fall in love with. At that time, I also had no idea to expect that how a seemingly promising relationship could go so wrong in the end. One year after, it took me quite a time to figure out why.

I didn't quite think things would change much with J's moving out of town. Although I did have doubts and we had disagreement here and there, the disagreements were minor compared to what we shared in common. Apparently, I was wrong. However, I believe things were not that simple. The "not that simple" made me can't convince myself with his lame explanation. It's the reasons for those widely awake nights and tears on the pillow. For quite a long time, I began to doubt his feeling to me from day one, the things we shared, and his truthfulness. Why I thought this way wasn't from nowhere because I couldn't understand how things can be so different in such a short time. The fact that it happened right at a time when I needed his support the most only made things worse. I wish I could believe it is just what happened when a relationship became long distance and things became sour. But I couldn't.

It did take me a lot of courage to meet J again when he's back to town, almost half a year after. With a broken heart, still. But it is not until I met him again did I suddenly somehow realize that some people were not meant to belong to each other, and it's not the fault of either person. People come into your life and people go, just like the nature of life. But the commons we shared, the memories we had, and the fact we once made each other's life better than it was are real. With realizing that, the "not that simple" for the first time doesn't haunt me any more.

Many times, I couldn't help wonder how has this relationship changed me from the person before I met him? Am I getting better or happier? I couldn't really say so. But one thing is for sure what didn't kill me just make me stronger. Besides, what I've experienced in the past half a year--the sleepless nights, days swallowed with tears, and the vague belief that I should fight for what I need to hold, have made me grow so much as a person. This is actually what life is all about.

I am not a person good at erasing the past totally from my life, and I still have the calendar with the dates marks. But this time, it doesn't bother me anymore.

5.1号偶们学校就开始放长达四个月的资本主义漫长长假了。全美最早放假的学校。哦也！！！

When the chilly wind blew on my face today, I realized that there is such a long winter here.. Spring, still far away..

一直喜欢美国freeway的感觉

一直是坐在别人的车里

在佛州, 在波士顿

副驾驶的位置

我想

有那么一天

在美国有一辆车

周末就行驶在美国的freeway上

绿野山间

可以没有任何目的

耳边是电台里的流行音乐

随意的放着

一切烦恼

都在脑后

tax做的太无趣了。半小时交卷。这哪是大雪，简直就是暴风雪。我这辈子没见过这么大的雪。人生真圆满。偶实在按捺不住内心的激动，想出门感受一下。不知道还有地铁没。今天登飞机的某alice同学可以竞选料事如神了。。（套用某同学的话）放假了。哦也！！

话说大雪封山。我们可爱的安吉力尼教授意识到让大家周五跑来考试似乎对有些人来说是个问题。于是，偶们伟大的联邦税法考试被改为take home，email传来做完再传回去。其实take-home一向不是我们美北学校的风格。于是偶就捧着电脑，坐以待考！

学校说下午要下大雪，于是就把学校关了。考试全推到明天。在美国，老天爷就是老大。真泄气，我都准备端着刀上场把tax给杀了。这下倒好，提前放假吧。

俺现在一顿的饭量如下：一大碗米，两个土豆，四分之一青椒，两个鸡蛋，四到五块香菇红烧排骨，六只虾。 吃成这样还是巨饿无比。lin说我这营养也太均衡了。恩。是有点太均衡了。

看来我真是高估了波士顿的冷。连dc和c'ville都下雪了。还是无比大。真是让我无比失望。

美国的雪都不带化的。真神。

I never feel more far away from home than this very moment.

Everything gonna be all right. 

God bless. 

Be strong. 

到不了的地方是远方，回不去的地方是家乡。

注：本人一般不转贴。除非某帖实在强大到一定程度。。 这多少让80-85年生人有无限的遐思，初中时代的美好回忆又如画卷般展现
在了我的眼前。在回忆往昔的时候，我总是很惊叹人民教育出版社的叔叔阿姨们还有
那位专到中国来编英语教材的Alexander先生，怎么会起了几个如此经典的名字，让
几千万甚至上亿的中国学生反复传诵至今。 
　 　  
　 　　读初中时已然有了点朦胧的男女意识，从那时的观点看来，我就觉得英语课
本讲述的就是一个缠绵悱恻的爱情故事：Han Meimei是一个美丽大方聪明漂亮的女孩
子，而Li Lei和Jim，一中一洋；一个帅气活泼，一个潇洒不羁；少女情怀，谁人可
知，据我分析小Han是有可能对Li Lei芳心暗许了，而另一方面Jim对韩MM又情根深重
，无法自拔。 
　 　  
　 　　这是有实例为证的：当年韩MM课外劳动摘苹果，和树下的李帅哥眉来眼去有
点得意忘形了，此时被冷落一边的Jim大叫一声：“Be careful！”由此，关爱之情
可见一斑。而韩MM除了简单报以“Thank you”之外，居然又自得其乐地跟李帅哥开
始了聊天…… 
　 　  
　 　　事情的发展峰回路转，初一下学期，班上转来了两位可爱的加拿大双胞胎—
—Lucy和Lily，Li Lei从此移情别恋，离开了韩MM。综观整个初一下学期，课本上的
对话确实以Li Lei和双胞胎为主角的居多。此时的韩MM，方才发现了在身边已然默默
注视自己有一个学期之久的Jim，从此二人携手走向了幸福的未来…… 
　 　  
　 　　感谢岁月，感谢生活，也感谢人的记忆，能让我们总记得一些美好的过去，
忘掉当下的一些不快，并能走向幸福的未来（就像Han Meimei和Jim一样）…… 
　==================== 和谐的分割线 ====================

今天在天涯看到一个帖子是八初中英语教材的。。。我无比惊喜的发现，竟然狂
多人都跟我 
　 曾经有过共识，就是Jim喜欢Han Meimei，LiLei也喜欢Han Meimie，但是Lucy喜
欢Lilei。 
　 我的证据就是有一课，我记得清清楚楚，好像是什么Can I borrow your ruler
?之类的，韩 
　 美美和李雷坐在第一排，韩美美问李雷借尺子，然后Jim在后面看着他们，眼神
十分诡异， 
　 就是夹杂着嫉妒，羡慕阴险的目光。。。然后他旁边坐着Lucy，低着头，我当时
觉得是因为 
　 Lucy不愿意看到面前的这一幕，因为是女生，不可能象Jim这么感情外露的。。
所以委屈的 
　 低下头。。。我当时还和我同桌讨论了半天。 
　  
　 最搞笑的是看到天涯上面的好多人都有这样不cj的想法，就是大家各自的证据都
不太一样。 
　 最搞笑的是，有个人说她在初中女厕所发现墙上刻着字：Han Meimei and Li Lei
 go to 
　 bed。。。 
　  
　 初中英语教材就是那个什么亚历山大某人编的，还是longman出版社出版的，当
时一直和周 
　 围的同学琢磨这longman是什么意思。他们都说是长人出版社的意思，我说是“
漫长人生” 
　 出版社的意思，狂被别人夸有深度有思想。。。我真是相当会编。。初中英语课
本诡异的很 
　 ，大家还记得那个什么关于apple tree的歌么？第一句，come and see my family
，当时我 
　 觉得这句怎么这么象月亮代表我的心的第一句呢，觉得狂好听。。直到现在还会
有时候哼哼 
　 这句。。还有前几天上social work的课，班里有个女生叫做Polly的，我第一个
反映就是这 
　 人怎么叫了一个鹦鹉名。。。这种想法实在已经根深蒂固了，Polly只能是鹦鹉
的名字。 
　 Polly是谁家的鹦鹉？是Jim家的还是李雷家的？谁记得给我解答一下。 
　  
　 关于初中英语课本的误区，我还有：一直觉得Miss Gao和Jim Green他爸有一腿
，然后Li 
　 Lei在第一次去Jim他家见到Jim的妹妹Kate Green的时候就心怀不轨。。。反正
我一直特讨 
　 厌李雷，觉得此男猥琐虚伪的要命。还有Jim家貌似很有钱的样子，回英国过圣
诞节做飞机 
　 ，家里还有苹果树。。对了又想起来一个证据，有一次他们好像学农去摘苹果，
韩美美爬在 
　 梯子上，Jim就很紧张的在下面喊Be careful!! 可是韩美美长了一副那种妇女干
部的样子， 
　 特左，劲儿劲儿的，我也不太喜欢。Lucy和Lily里面我比较喜欢Lily。总觉得lily
比较单纯 
　 ，不像lucy那么有心机。（事实证明是我比较有心机。。。初中英语课本能联想
这么多。。 
　 。）比较诡异的还有那个什么Uncle Wang，创造了一个什么可以飞的自行车，还
有一个合成 
　 词叫什么来着？觉得他真是科学怪人。。。最最诡异的是有一个电话号码，6098724
，是一 
　 个对话里面的，我一直记着，而且脱口就出。。。结果不幸在天涯看到竟然有人
和我一样对 
　 这个号码念念不忘。。。 
　 脱口而出的还有：How are you? Fine, thank you ,and you? I'm fine too. 
我这个土人 
　 一直到现在见了人还老忍不住来这一套。。觉得不这样简直没法外国人展开交流
。。。印象 
　 比较深的还有李雷和jim玩儿飞盘那次，jim把李雷的头给砸了，当时觉得jim是
成心这么做 
　 的，因为这个事情发生在借尺子事件没多久之后。 
=================================================================== 
　  
　  
　 Li Lei 和 Jim Green： 
　 　　 Li Lei，被翻译成李雷，中国男孩，平头短发，喜穿浅色T恤，一看就是那
种正统的中国式好学生。不过他并不是那种死板的书呆子，他很喜欢玩，记得有一课
里，他拿着球去玩，反而是Jim没做完功课，被关在家里。这种动静结合的性格，使
得他在哪儿都吃香，既能和Lin Tao这样好学的人成为莫逆，也能和Jim这样好动的人
成为死党。 
　 　　 Jim Green，全名是James Allen Green,被翻译成吉姆·格林（詹姆斯·艾
伦·格林），在中国生活的英国孩子，一头棕色的卷发，喜欢穿深色的T恤，给人的
印象是有活力、聪明，但是有些马虎，时常犯些小错误。 
　 　　 这一中一英两个男孩，就是这六本英文课本最主要的角色了。那么，他们
中，谁是最大的男主角呢？我一直是比较欣赏Li Lei的（或许也是因为他是中国人？
），和很多同学一样认为他是第一男主角。后来，我做了一件极其无聊的事——统计
了六本书里每个人出现的次数！ 
　 　　 最终结果，Jim的出现次数略高于Li Lei。呵呵，这毕竟是英语课本，就承
认Jim的第一男主角地位吧。 
　 　  
　 　　7+8： 
　 　　 统计的数据我现在没有，不过我还能记得最前面的那些孩子。最重要的七
个同学组成了第一集团： 
　 　　 Jim Green 
　 　　 Li Lei 
　 　　 Han Meimei 
　 　　 Kate Green 
　 　　 Lucy King 
　 　　 Lily King 
　 　　 Ann Read 
　 　　 接下来的第二集团是八位同学： 
　 　　 Lin Tao 
　 　　 Wei Hua 
　 　　 Ling Feng 
　 　　 Sam 
　 　　 Bill 
　 　　 Bruce 
　 　　 Mary 
　 　　 Tom Read 
　 　　 说明一下，Tom的出镜率很低，但是出来的时候文章一般都比较长，何况他
是Ann的兄弟，第一册第一张彩页上露脸的人，所以放第二集团不过份。 
　 　  
　 　　彩页与家族： 
　 　　 说一下第一册第一张彩页吧，我总觉得这有一种英雄排座次的作用。上面
有四幅图，三幅是三个家族：Green家族（英国人）、King家族（美国人）、Read家
族（加拿大人），每幅都是父母和两个孩子一共四人。第一幅图则是五人：Li Lei、
Han Meimei和Lin Tao，外加老师Miss Gao（Gao Hui）和Uncle Wang。在这张彩页上
，第一集团的七人全部在。 
　 　　 Green家族在书中风光无限，露脸机会最多，而且鸡犬升天，连鹦鹉Polly
和小猫Mimi（这可是中国猫）都能频频上镜。 
　 　　 相比之下，Read家族就比较惨了，只有一个Ann撑场面，Tom身为彩页上九
个孩子之一，在书中几乎消失，真是够郁闷的。 
　  
　 　重要人物： 
　 　　 Han Meimei 
　 　　 如果说谁是第一男主角还存在争议的话，第一女主角就当仁不让的是Han 
Meimei。这个齐耳短发的中国女孩，文雅温和，智慧善良，几乎是所有女性美德的化
身。在书中，她更像是一个姐姐的身份，帮助同学们排忧解难。 
　 　　 很多人都觉得，Li Lei和Han Meimei天生一对。然而我经过统计发现，其
实Han Meimei和Jim一起出现的时候更多，尤其是后期。想想也是，排除国际友谊因
素，Han Meimei和Li Lei的性格是相似的，而跟Jim却是互补的，更适合在一起。 
　 　  
　 　　 Kate 
　 　　 Kate Green，Jim的妹妹。和哥哥一样，Kate也是昵称，全称是Catherine
（凯瑟琳）。同样是一头棕色卷发（不知怎么，Jim和Kate总让我想起哈里·波特中
的罗恩和金妮，Han Meimei则让我想起赫敏）。 
　 　　 Kate很活泼可爱，后来戏份也越来越多。我奇怪为啥她不和同年龄的小朋
友们玩，要和大几岁的哥哥的朋友们玩。 
　 　  
　 　　 Lucy and Lily 
　 　　 可爱的双胞胎姐妹，来自美国。两个人长得一模一样（美工偷懒，哈）。
开始的时候，两人都是同时出现，不过到后来，编者有意扩大她们之间的区别，也经
常会单独出镜。 
　 　  
　 　　 Ann 
　 　　 Ann是加拿大人，一头金色长发，标准的西方血统。她和Jim、Lilei他们不
在一个班，但是和Han Meimei是好朋友，另外她还有一个中国好朋友Chen Hua（女孩
）。 
　 　　 Ann在书中最重头的一次出场是她的生日，重要人物几乎全部出场参加。从
此我知道了Fried Chicken，Fish and Chips这两种食物。不过当时没有概念，直到
我们家乡出现了肯德鸡…… 
　 　  
　 　　 Lin Tao 
　 　　 作为在彩页上出现的人物，Lin Tao还是很重要的，不过不知为什么他在很
长一段时间内都不出现，硬是被挤到了第二集团。作为书中唯一的眼镜男孩（大人不
算），Lin Tao长着一副睿智的知识分子模样。不过，不要以为他很文弱，初三课本
中，他可是参加了运动会接力跑的冠军成员。 
　 　  
　 　　 Sam and Bill 
　 　　 这两个是Jim的死党，沾了不少光。他们三个在一起，1班的体育水平就能
提高一个台阶啊。没说的，都是调皮鬼。 
　 　  
　 　　 Wei Hua 
　 　　 Han Meimei的好朋友。我发现L、H、J、A四巨头都有各自的好朋友。Wei 
Hua又是一个热情贤淑型中国女孩，不过感觉不如Han Meimei成熟。 
　 　  
　 　　 Ling Feng 
　 　　 跟其他中国孩子相比，Ling Feng显得比较成熟而独立。后期他出现的次数
很多，但我最记得的还是他第一次出现时候被Jim的飞盘砸中了脑袋…… 
　 　  
　 　　 Bruce 
　 　　 澳大利亚男孩，因为在中国看到下雪的圣诞节而欣喜不已。之后他还有多
次露面，最有趣的就是和一大群人去猴岛旅游了。 
　 　  
　 　　 Mary 
　 　　 很晚才出来，又是一个西方式长发美人。我似乎记得她姓Smith。 
　 　  
　 　　 其他人…… 
　 　　 除了以上15人之外，还有一些让人记住的同学。比如Ma Lili，初一初二她
都出现了，而且都是喊“起立”的那一个。看来，她就是1班里学号1号的学生了。还
有Sun Huimin、Li Ming、Liu Ming、Fang Xiaoling、Bob White……等等。 
　 　  
　 　　 现在想起来，仿佛他们就是我们当初的同学一样…… 
　 　  
　 　　 记得最后一课（澳大利亚的那座大石头山）结束后，结束框里就简简单单
一句话：Goodbye everyone，Goodluck！我学到这里不禁热泪盈眶……

这首歌，一听就想起来某些事。哎。不说也罢。

Big Girls Don't Cry Lyrics
                                   -----Fergie 

The smell of your skin lingers on me now
You're probably on your flight back to your home town
I need some shelter of my own protection baby
To be with myself and Center, Clarity
Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry

The path that I'm walking
I must go alone
I must take the baby steps 'til I'm full grown, full grown
Fairytales don't always have a happy ending, do they?
And I foresee the dark ahead if I stay

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do

And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry

Like the little school mate in the school yard
We'll play jacks and UNO cards
I'll be your best friend and you'll be mine Valentine
Yes you can hold my hand if you want to
'Cause I want to hold yours too
We'll be playmates and lovers and share our secret worlds
But it's time for me to go home
It's getting late, dark outside
I need to be with myself and Center, Clarity
Peace, Serenity

I hope you know, I hope you know
That this has nothing to do with you
It's personal, myself and I
We've got some straightening out to do
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket
But I've got to get a move on with my life
It's time to be a big girl now
And big girls don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry
Don't cry